All the way back in school and fully swinging, the kids are now certifiably insane. Cooped up and their apple cored all the common way out, by the time they finish their mass of homework too weighty for their young age, their sanity has jumped the fence and is sprinting feral across the hillside. Say, at bath time, when the parental units have just about had it. Seems to be about right.
“Golden mustache power!!” Lilah screams, streaking while bouncing sidesaddle on her imaginary horse down the hallway after Sophie. Pants on her head, no shirt, and a large golden mustache taped to her face. Her sister, giggling and also nearly naked while sprinting away from whatever unspeakable atrocities Lilah of the golden mustache was attempting to heap upon. Farting on her, at the very least, I assumed.
“Lilah!”
She stops at me, still trotting perfectly in cadence.
“When did you learn how to ride sidesaddle?”
She shrugs her shoulders and cackles like an evil cowgirl into the bedroom, shooing a padded-sword wielding Sophie back out and down the stairs. I mean seriously, has she been watching old Roy Rodgers’ shows with her grandma? Western ladies in full country dresses, hurrying their way to town to send a quick telegram before the post office closes? It’s a question that begs some reasonable answer. I certainly can’t make heads or tails of all the rest that was going on. This sidesaddle thing is the mystery I can solve, perhaps.
“Two minutes to bath! Wrap up your battle!”
How could they have this much energy this late at night? Even with the tied to their desk routine their lives have become it’s amazing. Christ we had soccer practice for 2 hours. I feel like I’m gonna fall over and be happy about it on the way down.
The sword duel has reached the final stage, right in front of me. I get out of the way just in time.
“Slap. Slap! SLAP SLAP SLAP!”
“Ow! Lilah that hurt! Not in the face.”
“SLAP!” revenge arrives back on Lilah’s head.
Crying and laughing as they meet in front of me in a wrestling ball.
“You little menace! I’ll make you walk the plank!” Sophie says, yanking her sword away and pointing it to her neck.
“Dad! Sophie’s…”
“Making you walk the plank? Good, right into the ocean of bath.”
Lilah stares at me. “Noooo,” she moans, making each of her eye go in a different circle, walking towards me slowly as she pushes Sophie’s sword away.
“What the hell is wrong with you.”
“I’m going double zombie! Arch!” she takes a toothy snap at me.
“That’s actually very disturbing Lilah.”
“SEE! She freaks me out too!” Sophie adds. Lilah snaps viciously at her in response.
“Get in the bath. Double zombies gotta wash too. Get the stench of brain and death off you.”
“I like my stench.”
“We know.”
Lilah plops in the tub and starts hiccupping.
“Sometimes I laugh in my head and it gives me the hiccups.”
“I think you ate too much brain,” I reply as I make way for C. to wash them. The kitchen is a catastrophe and I’m late for it.
Lilah makes her zombie noise, only now punctuated by hiccups.
“Uhhhh…hic…uhhhh…hic…urrrr..hic…”
- and I pass in the hall. Tired smiles.
“What’s the deal in there now?”
“Lilah’s gone double zombie.”
“What’s double zombie.”
“It’s like regular zombie, but with more crazy. It smells bad and it bites.”
I sidesaddle myself down the stairs, leaving her with the screaming and groaning and hiccupping. It’s all so wonderful, but sometimes just cleaning the kitchen is a relief. Before you go double zombie yourself.
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